Thursday, November 22, 2007


The last few days have been some of my worst in recent memory. This is not to sound melodramatic. My life is pretty wonderful most of the time so "worst" isn't necessarily saying a lot. I just have been consumed, in every sense of the word, by stress. Somehow this week and the next week happen to contain a ridiculous number of tests, papers, presentations, projects, etc. I spent TWELVE hours Monday on a single paper. Like twelve hours straight. In a chair at my computer. I got up to go to the bathroom a couple of times. And at, I don't know, hour nine I made myself a sandwich. I went into this academic black out. Every single word just seemed to take so much effort to the point where I felt like I was writing one sentence every half hour. I'm usually pretty fast when it comes to writing papers. But this year things just feel so much more important. I have to have a certain GPA to graduate from the Honors College. I'm about .001 away from that GPA which doesn't sound too bad, except the thing is I can't screw up. One C grade or lower and that's it. I probably won't be able to raise it enough after that. Until this year I never realized how important it was for me to graduate from the Honors College but it is. I've worked so hard to stay in it. All of my friends who started the Honors College with me dropped out. And I really wanted to at times. But with the influence of my parents and my own self I stayed in it. I took 12 hours of a Western Civ Colloquium, Calculus, Hons. Appreciate for Math, a 6 hour bachelor's essay, a 3 hour independent study, Hons. Geometry, etc. Every single class that I've had to fight to do well in, really have had to try in, has been for the Honors College. To not graduate from it at this point would be devastating. Maybe it makes me vain or stupid, but I want my diploma to say Honors College. Because I'm not just graduating from CofC, I'm graduating from the Honors College of CofC. To come this close and not make it would be such a blow. And because of that every paper, every test, every quiz this year carries with it an extra weight. I guess i really hadn't started to feel it until this past week, and suddenly it just hit me. Every word of that paper I wrote felt like it was crucial. I think that's why it took me 12 hours. I've gotten though the hard part of this week but just barely. I came very close to losing it multiple times. Yesterday alone I almost started crying in my first class, then on the way to Starbucks before my internship, then actually at Starbucks after my internship when I had to force my tired and fried brain to study for a test. I was just pushed past my limit. I usually try to avoid stress, and not let school worry me that much, but I can't avoid it right now. This semester is important no matter how hard I try to ignore that. It's taken me a lot to be at the place in my life where I can acknowledge that I want to receive recognition for my academic achievements but I do. And I guess the cost of being in that place is just crushing, draining stress.

On that note, I was thinking the other night about how whenever I used to be upset when I was little I could make everything better by piling stuffed animals on my bed. I used to put as many as I could fit, all surrounding me. And without fail it always made me feel better, like I was less alone or something, or just comforted on a really basic level. I really wish I could go back to that. If for the last few nights a pile of stuffed animals could have made me feel better my life would have gone a lot smoother. Instead I had to watch Three's Company until I drifted off to sleep because my mind was moving too fast to fall asleep otherwise. There's a lot I wish I could go back to just for a day or so, to take a vacation from my life. I want to be eight again. I want to be lying on my bed with stuffed animals heaped around me listening to Mariah Carey's Daydream CD. I guess for right now I'll have to settle for an adult bed in an adult apartment. But I do still have my panda and I think if I look hard enough I might be able to dig up some Mariah.

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