I feel good tonight. Life feels pretty wonderful.
To start with I took my first ever spin class and after a brief panic when I walked into the room and realized I had no idea how to adjust the seat or pedals (the very sweet instructor helped me), I really liked it. Don't get me wrong, it absolutely kicked my ass. But that's exactly what I wanted. Due to a hip flexor injury, I can't run for four long weeks. I knew the second I signed up for the 10k all matter of injuries would pile up. But I'm going to physical therapy so hopefully it can get all spiffy and fixed soon. But the worst thing about not being able to run is that I've gotten to the point where I feel like nothing really cuts it cardio wise next to running. I'll feel pretty good after using the ellipticals and other cross trainy thingies, but I never feel as mind, body and soul worked out as after a really good run. But spin class came pretty darn close. Plus we climbed a metaphorical mountain as the snow came down outside the window. So that was neat :)
Injuries aside, I feel strong and healthy. I work out five times a week. I eat as well as I can. And because of those two things I can splurge on Mexican or a big ol' bowl of chili and not obsess about it for days. My relationship with food has always been a little topsy turvy. And it's nice to just not have it be that big of a deal. That's why working out will forever more be a part of my life. It's completely changed the way I feel about eating. It doesn't give me license to eat whatever I want whenever I want (as awesome as that would be sometimes), but it makes me able to eat what I want, splurge when I want, and just leave it at that. Food has gotten smaller in my life (not as in I eat less, my Lord nothing whips up an appetite like a spin class), but just in the way that it doesn't loom as large. And I will never go carb free again.
And last but not least, I think I feel really good, because I'm realizing more and more that I didn't fail six months ago when I decided to stop applying for full time writing jobs and applied for nursing school. I always knew it was the right choice. But it was hard not to shake off the feeling that I was giving up, turning my back on my passion. And yes, I'm not a full time writer. I don't have a fancy office job or business cards. I'm in school and I'm going to be a nurse. But wonder of wonders, the second I stopped trying so hard to become a professional writer, I became a professional writer. My freelance work has just been the most wonderful and unexpected surprise. I'm writing and people are seeing it. It may not be what I do for a living, it may not be the major leagues, but in a way that's freaking fantastic. The pressure is off and so now it's just about doing what I love for no other reasons than that I love it. And I've been able to write about so many awesome things. I've written about cupcakes and trashy reality television and books. I've become a theater reviewer, something I never thought would happen but which I LOVE. I get to see these awesome plays and I've learned about a part of Richmond I didn't really know existed, this rich, vibrant theater world with all these wonderful, talented, hard working people. I got to interview Bill Persky, this television giant and hear him tell personal stories about everything from Andy Cohen to Fred Astaire. And I got to meet him in person and shake his hand.
I love this. I love what I do, and it doesn't matter one fraction that it's not the only thing I do. Who says I can't create my own title: nurse/writer. Life is so complex and we try to make it simply and box ourselves into these specific roles. But I think the only way you can be happy and not kill yourself is to let go of that, to let life happen and see where it takes us, and know that if something is important, if we really love it, it's never going to go away.
Sorry if this is a little corny tonight. I guess I just am really happy to be happy. A year ago I was in a really bad place. I'm not there anymore. And I'm grateful for that.